You gotta really want to read this with the red on black!!!
You gotta really want to read this with the red on black!!!
READ THE LABEL - This is absolutely my all time favorite list of dumb things!!!!! Here are some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are ACTUAL instruction labels on consumer goods.On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions - Use like regular soap. (And that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion - Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. (The big one or the little one?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose...)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts!)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning - May cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning - Keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As oppossed to use in outer space?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning - contains nuts. (But no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions - open packet; eat nuts. (How about have a lobotomy?)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief!) **********************************************************************
TRAVEL TALK The following are actual stories told by travel agents.
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I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"
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I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
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A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
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I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response ... click.
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A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.
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A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
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I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
I said, "No."
He said "But they look so close on the map."
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Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one hour layover in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
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A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.
I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
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A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
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I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"
I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
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A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes."
I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane.
She said, "Yeah, whatever."
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A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports,
I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
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A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York. The agent was at a loss for words.
Finally, the agent said "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."
The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
**********************************************************************
TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:
~ Pass My Shotgun
~ Psychotic Mood Shift
~ Perpetual Munching Spree
~ Puffy Mid-Section
~ People Make me Sick
~ Provide Me with Sweets
~ Pardon My Sobbing
~ Pimples May Surface
~ Pass My Sweatpants
~ Pissy Mood Syndrome
~ Plainly; Men Suck
~ Pack My Stuff
~ Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer:
One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house
knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED
OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light
bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17
YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER,
the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE
STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF
GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.
THE HOUSE!! - IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS #@*$!#@!...
HOUSE! I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
**********************************************************************
HOW MUCH CAN YOU HANDLE?
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut
down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on
early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our
future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be
known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the
opportunity to look for employment outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a
review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of
the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All
employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms
of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as
many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above
procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's
Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump Sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has
AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered
benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or
SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on
board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special
High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our
employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this
area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your
immediate supervisor. YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL
THE SHIT YOU CAN HANDLE!
**********************************************************************
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. ----------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES ½ COCKER SPANIEL ½ SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG -----------------------
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART STUPID DOG ------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE ... BETTER BE REWARD ------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. ----------------------------
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $1 ---------------------------
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L,AUTO,EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 ----------------------
COWS FOR SALE. NEVER BRED CALVES. ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. -----------------------------------
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL -----------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY ------------------------------
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" -----------------------------------
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT" --------------------------------------
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB --------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. ---------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE ----------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR -------------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING - $175 -------------------------------
OUR SOFA WILL SEAT THE WHOLE MOB. 100% ITALIAN LEATHER --------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY SELLING WASHER & DRYER $300. ------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER. ----------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS -----------------------------------
AND NOW FOR THE BEST OF THE LOT:
FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00
negotiable. No longer needed.
Recently married; husband knows everything.
This is a true story told to me today by my GYN:
Having hypothyroidism (underactive thyroid gland), an Anesthesia nurse at
Women's Hospital here in Houston, who is also a patient of my GYN, decided to
use her dead dog's prescription of Synthroid. (Synthroid is a synthetic form
of the thyroid hormone given to patients suffering from hypothyroidism or
Hashimoto's disease.) Since the dog was a "wiener dog" - a Dachshund - she
thought that taking FOUR TIMES the dog's dosage would be fine for her
condition. Little did she know that when my doctor checked her TSH (Thyroid
Stimulating Hormone), it was totally suppressed and so low it was off the
charts!!!
I had to laugh out loud over this because I, too, have Hashimoto's disease.
This woman, by taking x4 the dog's dosage, essentially gave herself
HYPERthyroidism instead of eliminating her "hypo" condition. She must have
been bouncing off the walls and going to the bathroom every minute!!!
MORAL OF THE STORY: Don't take your pet's prescriptions even though they're
cheaper!!! ********************************************************************** Warnings issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to all visiting Yankees: 1) Don't order steak at Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know.
2) Don't laugh at southern people's names. (Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, Inex, etc.) These people have been known to beat a man's ass for less.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to a beating. Down south its called Coke. It don't make a damn whether its Pepsi, 7-Up or whatever else, its a Coke.
4) Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the Big 12 (Texas A&M, Nebraska, UT, etc.). All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Rutgers.
5) Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, and Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally lots nicer. We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Red Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgement (e.g. Clinton, Fordice, and Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb because we will kick your ass.
6) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here. (LOL!!!!!)
7) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended and don't put sugar on your grits. (LOL!!!!!)
8) Don't fake a southern accent. This will incite a riot.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. If you don't like it here, take your ass home.
10) We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern games, so don't come down here asking the score because we don't give a damn.
11) We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to, and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other southerners understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, go home.
12) Last but not least. DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This will get your ass shot. You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our Bar-B-Q and go home in a pine box. **********************************************************************
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
********************************************************************** > > > Subject: Fwd: Suppository Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you
know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A
suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm
glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
********************************************************************** A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.......You either married it or gave birth to it. ___________________________________________________
Insanity is my only means of relaxation. _____________________________________________________
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. ____________________________________________________
Women over 60 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. ______________________________________________________
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs. ____________________________________________________
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. _______________________________________________
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. _________________________________________________
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. __________________________________________________
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. __________________________________________________
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness. _________________________________________________
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. __________________________________________________
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes! __________________________________________________
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. ___________________________________________________
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. ____________________________________________________
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die." _______________________________________________
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him. ___________________________________________________
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. _____________________________________________________
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. __________________________________________________
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? **********************************************************************
EMERGENCY ROOM IDIOTS
> > I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in > > toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this > > woman called in very upset because she caught her > > little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her > > that the ants are not harmful and there would be no > > need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She > > calmed down, and at the end of the conversation > > happened to mention that she gave her daughter some > > ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told > > her that she better bring her daughter in to the > > Emergency Room right away.
> > HIGHWAY IDIOTS
> > I was in a car dealership when a brand new motor home > > was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle > > was in dire need of repair and the whole thing > > generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked > > the manager what had happened. He told me that the > > driver had set the cruise control, then went into the > > back to make a sandwich.
> > NEIGHBORHOOD IDIOTS
> > I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new > > neighbor call the local township administrative office > > to request removal of the Deer crossing sign on our > > road. The reason? Too many deer were being hit by > > cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there!
> > COMPUTER IDIOTS
> > My neighbor works in the operations department in the > > central office of a large bank. Employees out in the > > field call him when they have problems with their > > computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one > > of the branch banks who had this question:"I've got > > smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys > > have a fire downtown?"
> > AIRBORNE IDIOTS
> > Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees in the > > field > > decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. > > They were successful in getting it out of the plane > > and home. When they took it for a float on the river, > > they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter > > coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper > > was homing in on the emergency locator that is > > activated when the raft is inflated. They are > > no longer employed there.
> > DEPARTMENT STORE IDIOTS
> > I worked for a while at a K-Mart store, selling > > sporting goods. As an employee of K-Mart you are > > sometimes required to make storewide pages, e.g.,"I > > have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at > > the paint counter." One night a tentative female > > voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid > > you not) following message: "I have a customer by the > > balls in toys who needs assistance."
********************************************************************** IDIOT SIGHTINGS
Idiot Sighting 1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? I said, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled and nodded knowingly. That's why we ask.
Idiot Sighting 2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, What on earth are blind people doing driving?
Idiot Sighting 3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to downsizing, our manager spoke up and said, this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often. Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Idiot Sighting 4: I worked with an individual who pluged in her power cord back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Idiot Sighting 5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. Hey, I announced to the technician, It's open! I know, answered the young man. I already got that side.
THERE NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
********************************************************************** FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART 1.Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 2.Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 3.Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 4.Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in. 5.Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs 6.Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department. 7.Try on bras over top of your clothes. 8.Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms 9.While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy". 10.Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "We've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens. 11.Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all on and turn the volumes to "10". 12.Play with the automatic doors. 13.Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. 14.While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this shit, anyway?" 15.Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department. 16.Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually. 17.Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins. 18.Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store asyour playing field. 19.As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!" 20.Put M&M's on layaway. 21.Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. 22.Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. 23.Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. 24.Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. 25.Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!" 26.TP as much of the store as possible. 27.Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. 28.Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down. 29.When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,"Why won't you people just leave me alone?" 30.When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!" 31.Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. 32.Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. 33.Take bets on the battle described above. 34.Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!) 35.While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. 36.While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room. 37.Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:Impossible." 38.Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. 39.Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. 40.Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them. 41.Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. 42.Two words: "Marco Polo." 43.Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc. 44."Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics. 45.In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels. 46.Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them 47.While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions. 48.When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" 49.Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out. 50.Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much,and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. 51.Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie." 52.Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not puting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles. 53.When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it with out saying a word. 54.Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. 55.Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. 56.Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles. 57.In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. 58.Hold indoor shopping cart races. 59.Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. 60.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in narrow aisles. 61.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. 62.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 63.Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. 64.Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?" 65.Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?" 66.Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive." 67.Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. 68.Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it! 69.Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming." 70.Put a bag of M&M's on layaway. - from Paul Timmerman ********************************************************************** The World According to Student Bloopers Richard Lederer St. Paul's School One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. they lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. the climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sone to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavenbed bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of colums - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. it was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarette. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained." During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered American while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The indian squabs carried porposies on their back. many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peococks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer paid for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, A Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. he invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex- Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. the believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile in Eurpose, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are fallling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took lang walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. The the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrainedd. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but shince Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the british Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. he reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of amny great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus mcCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered Radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. ********************************************************************** Even MORE Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid... She doesn't have all the chairs around the table. Not the sharpest tool in the shed. He's sharp as a thimble. A few sandwiches short of a picnic basket. If her IQ goes up to 40, she should sell. About as deep as a saucer of milk. She's not the brightest Crayola in the box! A few fries short of a Happy Meal He is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot. The gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train isn't coming. A few cards short of a full deck. She could hold an in depth conversation with a chair. Got a full six pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. A room temperature IQ. A photographic memory, but forgot to load the film. Bright as Alaska in December. Fell out of the family tree. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes" Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change back. He's so dense, light bends around him. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. ********************************************************************** 100 Ways to Annoy People 1. Get to know a friends bookie and place bets for them. Insist on keeping half of any money they win. 2. Accuse people of "glue sniffing addictions" in public. 3. Call other people "Champ" or "Tiger.". Refer to yourself as "Coach." 4. Drum on every available surface. 5. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 6. Staple papers together in the middle of the page. 7. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. 8. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings. 9. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. 10. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 11. Insist on giving weather forecasts in public. Claim to be AMS certified. 12. Surprise old friend's by visiting them at 3AM "to discuss old times". 13. Insist on buying airplane tickets for friends to "save them money." Make sure the plane departs at 5AM and the tickets are non-refundable. Point out that you didn't really save them any money. 14. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. 15. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". 16. Set alarms for random times. 17. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..." 18. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off. 19. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. 20. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. 21. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted. 22. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 23. Honk and wave to strangers. 24. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Safety Orange. 25. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 26. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. 27. Wear your pants backwards. 28. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. 29. Begin all your sentences with "Oh la la!" 30. Rouse your roommate/spouse from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music". 31. Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode. 32. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 33. dont use any punctuation 34. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 35. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 36. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 37. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 38. Write "X - Buried Treasure" in random spots on roadmaps. 39. Explain to everyone you meet of your Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories. 40. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." 41. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 42. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 43. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 44. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador". 45. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 46. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. 47. When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells..." until physically restrained. 48. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One". 49. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 50. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. 51. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. 52. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 53. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 54. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat. 55. Why walk when you can drive that half a block? 56. Name your dog "Dog". 57. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. 58. Ask people what gender they are. 59. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." 60. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. 61. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl. 62. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot". 63. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". 64. Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes. 65. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. 66. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as the Mr Rogers theme song. 67. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 68. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 69. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. 70. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A. 71. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 72. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 73. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 74. Wear a lot of cologne. 75. Ask people if you may "interface" with them. 76. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing". 77. Sing along at the opera. 78. Mow your lawn with scissors. 79. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy". 80. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend". 81. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 82. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". 83. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket." 84. Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see the "magic picture". 85. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 86. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. 87. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. 88. Never make eye contact. 89. Never break eye contact. 90. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 91. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. 92. Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 93. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 94. Shout random numbers while someone is counting. 95. Make appointments for the 31st of September. 96. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. 97. When asked to do things, repeat the instructions to the body parts involved. (ie. "Hand, will you please open the door.") 98. When people ask you to do things, mutter under your breath, "This won't be neccessary where you are going." 99. Wait until you get to work to shave. 100. Tell small children that they don't look very promising. ********************************************************************** WOMEN'S ENGLISH: Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want = You'll pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game onTV Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead MEN'S ENGLISH: I'm hungry = I'm hungry I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy I'm tired = I'm tired Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Nice dress = Nice cleavage! You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? I love you = Let's have sex now I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay ********************************************************************** Bloopers from Church Bulletins Don't let worry kill you- let the church help. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and didn't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. ********************************************************************** Funny Want Ads I think these come from some compilation in a book somewhere. Maybe a funny newspaper article. I'm not sure. Anyways, they ended up in my mailbox with no attribution. They are purported to be true. 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Stock up and save. Limit: one. We build bodies that last a lifetime. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play. Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred. Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. ********************************************************************** Actual Newspaper Headlines Some are just slips of the tongue Grandmother of eight makes hole in one Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers House passes gas tax onto senate Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan Two convicts evade noose, jury hung William Kelly was fed secretary Milk drinkers are turning to powder Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted Quarter of a million Chinese live on water Farmer bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Some become unintentionally suggestive Queen Mary having bottom scraped Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? Prostitutes appeal to Pope Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over NJ judge to rule on nude beach Child's stool great for use in garden Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors Soviet virgin lands short of goal again Organ festival ends in smashing climax Grammar often botches other headlines Eye drops off shelf Squad helps dog bite victim Dealers will hear car talk at noon Enraged cow injures farmer with ax Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests Miners refuse to work after death Two Soviet ships collide - one dies Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended: Never withhold herpes from loved one Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984 Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while War dims hope for peace Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency Cold wave linked to temperatures Child's death ruins couple's holiday Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years Man is fatally slain Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation FreeBSD rules linux sucks ********************************************************************** Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens. Punch the body and tell people he hit you first. Ask someont to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased. At the cemetary, play taps on a kazoo. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask him if he can sneak him into the coffin. Place a hard boiled egg into the mouth of the deceased. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts. (From The Funny Farm) ********************************************************************** Ways to be Offensive at a Wedding (Usual dumb-list disclaimers apply...) Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet. Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist. Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a drug rehab. clinic. As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person. Propose a toast to the bride's nose job. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations. After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, "Throw your bra, throw your bra..." Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out. Return a bra which the bride left in your car. When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, "The Lady is a Tramp." (From The Funny Farm) ********************************************************************** 50 Things to do in an Elevator Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, all of you just shut UP! Whistle the first seven notes of It's a Small World incessantly. Sell Girl Scout cookies. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. Shave. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there? Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming! Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. Censored by your son. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom. Do Tai Chi exercises. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: I've got new socks on! When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, motion sickness! Give religious tracts to each passenger. Meow occassionally. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops! Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons. Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends. Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce You're one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator. Leave a box between the doors. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it. Start a sing-along. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper? Play the harmonica. Shadow box. Say Ding! at each floor. Lean against the button panel. Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space. Bring a chair along. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf? Blow spit bubbles. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers. Stare at your thumb and say I think it's getting larger. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch! ********************************************************************** Fart Lady A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting, because they didn't smell and are silent. "The doctor says, "I see." "Take these pills and come back to see me next week."The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly." "Good." the doctor said, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." -- From Debbie's Fart Page ********************************************************************** BUMPER STICKERS WE'D JUST LOVE TO SEE Could you drive any better if I took that cell phone away from you! If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest? Your gene pool needs a little chlorine. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT! Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom! I used to have a handle on life but it broke. So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute. The more you complain - the longer God makes you live. IRS - We've got what it takes to take what you've got! Out of my mind - back in five minutes. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there's a will - I want to be on it! Consciousness - That annoying time between naps. Ever stop to think... and forget to start again? Be nice to your kids - they will pick out your nursing home! Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else. **********************************************************************
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